I don’t know how tired you guys get or maybe almost are from reading Eating Disorder subjects, but I try to offer stuff on my blog that is useful and interesting for the majority of my readers – and after my post about my relapse, plus the article in the newspaper, I had such a huge feedback, I felt there is still so much need to broach the issue and discuss it a little deeper.
So. One of my biggest learnings in my journey so far was to not make the past or the future the most important thing, but the NOW. This is extremely difficult to realize and then to implement it in your mind, thoughts and actions, but it is one of the ways to happiness – live in the moment. I definitely don’t master it 100% like pretty much anything, but I work on it day by day.
When you had a relapse, or just ate food you regret, forget it. It’s done, check. Move on. If you had a bad day and now tear your hair for things you have done or not have done, forget it. Move on. Drowning in negativity about the past is nonsense – the only positive thing about it is to LEARN from. The experience you made, the mistake you did – reflect, understand and save it for next time. Don’t get stuck in the past, cause the past is over.
The future? Well, we make plans. Plans are awesome, cause the create anticipation and anticipation releases good energies. We set goals for the future which evolve ambition and excitement. There are a few things in the near future which I look so much forward to, which I CAN’T wait for them to arrive and these little happenings keep me going, they make me happy to look forward to. That’s one side of the future. But there’s another side.
Fear of the future, or the thought of things which have to happen in order for us to THEN be happy. I talk about recovery, or the illusion that being skinny would make me happy. For me, my life was always half-good, cause I was not skinny enough. I was absolutely convinced that when I lost the weight I was planning to lose, all my worries would disappear in the dust from that moment to the other. I also thought that the day, when my Eating Disorder has gone and I am finally ‘normal’, I will be the happiest person on Earth and nothing can make me sad no more.
I had to learn, that my life can be good NOW. No matter where I stand. No matter how much my ED rules my life. No matter what the scale says. If I choose to be happy, NOTHING can interfere with this feeling. I told myself so day by day in my meditations, like a stupid parrot. This belief didn’t always feel right and on some days I didn’t believe myself for a minute, cause all I felt was hopelessness, despair, fear and doubts. But I held on to it. It made sense: how could I waste only ONE day of my life being miserable cause of some kind of godamn stupid rules that I once created for myself? I had to break them and create new rules – even though I felt like I wasn’t content or happy with the place I was at that time.
It makes sense. Think of it. What is tomorrow? We do not know. I do not say not to care about the future, cause that is not possible, but we need to understand, that life is damn short and it can be even shorter, it could end next week, next month. We do not know.
How do you recover? With strength. Where do you get this from? From positive energy. So you got to collect all the things that make you strong to be able to move forward. And for me, this was when I surrounded myself with things that and people who made me smile, confident, courageous and brave. Some things I had to face and I had to put myself out there and open up, and it scared the shit out of me. That was when I found confidence. It started at the end of my comfort zone. I also had to find peace with me and who and how I was right in that moment. How you talk to yourself and how you see yourself shows up in your world right away, unmistakably. You have to create a great and wonderful version of yourself, cause you become what you believe. I did so every day and I felt ridiculous. I looked at myself in the mirror and the only thought that came to my mind was:’ WTF. How COULD I like you?!’. As stubborn and as consistent as I am, I kept on doing these things with positive self talk, trying to love myself, doing things that scare me and all that shit. And it paid off.
I am recovered from my Eating Disorder, and I am an extremely relaxed, cheerful and happy person – but oh, do I have shitty days. Worries. Fears. Doubts. Insecurites, painful moments, sadness, disappointment, rage. It’s normal, it’s life. It’s beautiful and cruel. I am not skinny, but I am in peace with my body and I love what I see – that doesn’t make my life perfect. But it is my perfectionism I need to lock out the ED of my life. And nothing rules my life but me. No scale, no voice in my head, no judgers. There is only one who defines me and that is ME.
Never stop believing. It is there, you just have to find it, unfold it, activate it and live it.
Any advice from your side to add to this?
xxx
Luce
