Arman from TheBigMansWorld wrote an inspiring post about isolation and health a few weeks ago. It really spoke to me and I thought it is a subject I’d like to discuss – not for me to dwell on the dark sides of my past, but for those who are struggling with getting out if their isolation and may need some encouragement.
But before I get too serious, I wanna say hi from the mountains! I spend two days at my brother’s and sister in law’s place and it’s bliss. I started with sleeping until I got a backache……
And when I saw the weather outside I knew this was the right decision, since there was no way to make my way up there. I originally planned to go running in the morning, but instead of freezing my butt off while scaring people with a snot rocket every minute, I stayed inside and did some mobility and cooked a warm and clean breakfast which I devoured it on the couch in front of the TV.
Apple Eggwhite Porridge with melting coconut butter
Ok, now on to the title. Isolation was a big issue for me, I believe it is for most people with an Eating Disorder. Given the fact that we need to keep the sickness secret (or at least we think we have to do so) it’s kind of a logical result. I remember my two sides: Laughing and entertaining Lucie, and then the dark side, Lucie alone, bingeing, purging, and swallowing colorful cocktails of pills. It always was a secret and even friends or family who knew that I suffer from an Eating Disorder didn’t know how reality looked like when I was on my own.
I needed this isolation in order to follow my addiction. There was no way I could live with a roommate, plus it was always a drag to be on vacation or on a trip with others. It wouldn’t allow me to carry on with my disordered behaviors and that drove me crazy.
It made me sad, cause I grew up in a community, my family and another family shared a huge house and it was permanently full of people and life. It’s what I loved and it’s where I feel most comfortable at today – surrounded by many good people. One of the reasons, why I feel right at CrossFit.
Isolation is the ground that feeds the addiction. The more I was home alone, the more I would do stupid things and the louder was the voice in my head telling me to do so. I lost the connection to my ‘real life’ and would drown weekends long in this vicious cycle of food, drugs and compensation. Only when I had to go back to work on Monday, I realized what I did and that ACTUALLY everything was normal and not the black hole in which I fell for three days.
I didn’t survive my first try to live with a man – we moved in together after 2,5 years of relationship, but I moved out and broke up only 6 months later. A few years later I went for a second try and moved to Zurich – and managed to keep up a more or less normal relationship and living together for at least 4,5 years.
There is no such fear anymore today. I travel wherever I want to and with whoever I feel like. I don’t have any weird behaviors which I need to keep secretly and I can host guests at my home for as long as they want to stay. I don’t feel the urge to isolate myself anymore, cause I don’t have a dark side to hide. I love to be on my own and spending hours at home, doing things – normal things. I am not in danger anymore to start doing addicted stuff. I try to be as real as possible. If issues or struggles come up, I still handle them pretty much on my own. I migth talk to 1-2 people if I need to, but normally I don’t address any of my doubts or insecurities to anyone – maybe a surviving relict of my past. But it’s what makes me feel the most secure – if I know I can rely on myself and completely on myself only without any dependency on an other person.
My advice: be alone if you feel like you take this time to take care of you. If you feel this time turns into a destructive isolation session where you hurt yourself, then reach out. Settle in with your friends or someone you feel most comfortable with. It’s what friends are for – let them save you until you are strong enough to make it on your own. Protect yourself by not holing up together with negative feelings. Practise lone time but be aware what it does to you. Be good to yourself.
Your thoughts, questions, advice?
xxx
Lucie
