1998 in San Francisco – my message to you

The first time I got to know the States was in January 1998, I was 19 and I went for a 4 month trip with one of my best friends – learning English and travelling around. It was about a year after I stopped restricting, recovering from Anorexia and slowly gaining some weight, but was already stumbling into bulimia, but had no idea about it.

This post isn’t about singing my own praises. I am too old for that and I am far from being perfect. My intention here is to spread a message. Wherever you are in your journey and whatever you struggle with – I can not emphasize strongly enough that I write this blog to show that it IS possible to recover. And that it is so so so worth it. I know exactly how fucking hard it is to let go of the addiction and how bloody stubborn this damn disease is. Still, I encourage each one out there to stay positive, never lose hope and always take these baby steps forward. Practise and all is coming. With anything.

Source

Anyway – back in the days, these four months were a time, when I started bingeing. The changes, being far away from home, my Dad who wasn’t sure about his diagnose back home (it turned out to be cancer) and the fears of facing the unknown out there was too much to handle for me, even though I had great times with my Bestie. She wasn’t a workout freak like me and I was too shy (imagine me, SHY) and intimidated to go out on my own and do my workouts. Frustration creeped in and I binged. I gained 8 kilos in 3 months. I remember the pics from back then, I was giggly and young and I enjoyed the time, but it was clouded by the doubts about my behaviors, by the fear of losing my Dad, the sadness about losing control and not feeling ok at all with me and my body.

Still no clue how to use thie freaking Selfie Stick.

I said it many times before. I still care about how I look. I have emotional eating days – my feelings are still sometimes reflected in how I eat. I care about what I eat and drink – but I don’t give a shit about a number on a scale, I don’t care that 70% of my clothes are Medium and not Small anymore because of MUSCLES and I don’t care that my Meal Plan isn’t as perfect as it could be. I eat to perform and to look like an athlete and because I LOVE good food. Exiling ED thoughts forever after 20 years is probably never possible. But it is a whole different world I live in now, that is for sure.

I am in Santa Barbara right now, sitting at Starbucks and blogging. I drove all the way from Frisco today, while Momma was flying off to New York. The last two days this week I spent in San Francisco with my Mom. While strolling through the city and watching the sea lions for a felt hour, I thought about how much my life has changed in the past 17 years. How different everything is, how much better. My Mom couldn’t believe how all these people always started talking to me. I don’t know either, but I do talk to strangers daily here and I got to know so many people on this trip so far, it’s just tons of fun. I LOVE it. She kept telling me how shy and insecure I was as a kid and never ever trusted myself or dared to do something on my own, letting alone the thought spontaneously have a chat with strangers who approach me.

I had to face it all. This was all part of the process, the fight, the journey out of the self-doubts, the insecurity, the devilish thoughts of my Eating Disorder and anxieties. I AM an extroverted person, and there is nothing I love more than going out and experience life. But I felt like I am not capable to do so, I was trapped in my sickness and I felt comfortable in my comfort zone. COMFORTABLE. The past 1-2 years I have left this space – the comfort zone – so many times, it almost turned into something I wanted to face daily. The feeling of success – even if it is just a tiny step – is so satisfying, I just want to feel it as much as possible. Doing CrossFit is probably the biggest step out of convenience for me and it keeps challenging me day by day, which gives me the chance to strengthen that confidence continuously.

Being out and about on my own is something I started to love and the more I do it, the more I want of it. I digged myself out of this asshole-20-years-Eating-Disorder and I will do everything to soak up every minute of this new life I was given. There is still so much to work on, so much I still have to learn and see. I am not flawless, I do have body shame, I have self-doubts, I have bad days, fat days and sometimes I snivel around cause of nothing. I am a chic who is obsessive with anything beauty, hair, clothes and jewelry. I am clumsy and stubborn and I really can’t handle money. I am impulsive and I curse way way way too much plus I have a horrible loud laugh. I also should really start to be disciplined with my blog and Social Media and I should finally realize that 50 pairs of jeans are enough (I bought two more). Still. I am deeply in love with my people more than anything else and I do anything for them. I work my ass off for my job cause I love it. I am a disciplined athlete and work hard to improve, even if I am not the most talented nor the youngest one around me. But I give my very best to stay on track to reach my goals.

CrossFit Golden Gate – the WOD

CrossFit Golden Gate

Sitting in my car today, completely on my own, Californian sun shining through the open roof, excessively loud Hip Hop and R’nB Beats blasting I felt like I am at a place where I am exactly supposed to be. And this didn’t just happen cause I am lucky. I wasn’t always lucky in my life. This is because I felt I need to ACT instead of TALK or COMPLAIN. And that’s what I did and will keep on doing.

It makes me sick when I think about how much I’d miss if I would still obsess about salad leaves and 90minute runs. So – PLEASE make YOU and YOUR life a priority. An Eating Disorder NEVER deserves that huge space you give it. It will take everything away from you if you let it. It almost did for me.